Movie Theater Rules

Due my job as film critic of The Pathfinder I go to movies a lot and as just a normal human, I go to movies a lot. In all my movie going experiences I have noticed some people don’t know (or don’t understand) proper movie attending behavior. In attempt to stop these horrible infractions I will explain the unwritten rules of movie theaters in hope the movie watching experience will be better for everyone involved.

The first thing that one does at the theater is buy the ticket. Most of the time this is not a problem, but I did have one experience where an elderly lady could not remember the title of what she wanted to watch. She then began to describe the film with the words, “the one that’s supposed to be real scary” and she was directed to the right movie (I think).

The problem with this is that, number one, when you don’t remember what movie you’re going to it holds up the line which doesn’t make people happy. Number two, it does make people question your intelligent or your capability to remember a simple movie title. Number three, when you describe the movie with adjectives such as, “the one that’s supposed to be real scary” be prepared to end watching the wrong “one that supposed to be scary.” To avoid all this is simple; remember what movie you want to see.

After purchasing their ticket most people buy popcorn, candy, pop or other sugary not-so-good-for-you treats. I have no problem with this, particularly because without it the theater would not be in existence. However, unlike what most people apparently think you can eat your popcorn quietly. I know it’s difficult to comprehend, but trust me, it is possible. The popcorn will digested at the same rate regardless if you chomp it with the same ferocity as a dinosaur or a chipmunk. I also understand that you want to get your money’s worth out of your sugary soft-drink but you when you noisily slurp up you can be certain that everyone in the theater is no longer thinking about the antagonist in the movie because you are now the enemy of the audience.

When you go to the local theater in Lewiston you have to keep in mind one thing, Lewiston is in Idaho. This is important because Idahoans have bubbles, and those bubbles are the size of the state itself. So when you are choosing your seats there has to be at least one empty seat in between you and the stranger next to you. This rule must be followed even if it means that instead of sitting in the first row you sit in the second. If you don’t follow this rule, the person next you will think you’re the craziest creeper in the world and quite possibly will move. However, this rule only applies to Idaho.

Cell phones have become a big issue with movies. The rule, turn it off or at least on silent. Oh, and vibrate is not silent. Silent doesn’t make a noise, vibrate does. When a goes off on vibrate, despite what you make think, the whole theater hears it. Then when you open your phone it gives a glow that says, “I’m the annoying person who doesn’t turn off his/her cell phone and now you all hate me don’t you?” The answer is yes and when you look up from your phone the audience will glaring viciously at you.

Theaters have been nice enough to tell the audience when to be quiet signaled by when the lights go down, a subtle way of telling people, “Shut up!” If only people took the hint. Now the first thing that comes when the lights goes down is the trailers. Personally I don’t mind talking, between trailers because when most people talk between or during the trailers, it’s something short along the lines of, “I want to see that movie.” That’s fine. What I don’t appreciate is when the trailers are playing and the movie is starting and your still talking about Uncle Harry’s colonoscopy, I came to watch and listen to a movie not your uncle’s medical history.

One cannot talk about the movies without discussing children. Here’s my take on kids; kids go to kid movies. Simple right? Eh, maybe not because I’ve discovered that for some reason people think that “Easy A” and “The Social Network” are kid’s movies, maybe it’s just my narrow-minded view on what kids can understand and enjoy. Here’s a tip on how to decide what’s appropriate for little Johnny.

There’s this cool thing called the MPAA rating system that classifies (although it can be flawed I’ll admit) movies based on how fitting the movie is for your kindergartener. G means it’s okay. PG means …eh maybe. PG-13 not for Johnny. R really we’re serious this ain’t for your kid. Oh and please, please, please don’t make the mistake of thinking that every animated movie is suitable for your child, there is no rule that says, “Thou shalt make all animated films children’s movies.”

This doesn’t mean you can’t watch the movie, it just means that Johnny shouldn’t. There are ways to watch movies not at movie theaters, like renting them from Redbox or Netflix, it’s cheaper and you can watch it when Johnny asleep.

Also, if you’re going to go to a kid’s movie on a Saturday afternoon, don’t complain about the kids. You’re at a movie for kids you better expect there will be kids, if you don’t like it, go at different time.

One last thing, be nice to the theater people. They work there, it’s their job I’m sure they would much rather be watching the movie with you or doing something else that is more fun than work, so don’t make it more miserable for them. Also if you need an opinion on a movie (other than reading The Pathfinder) ask them. They over-hear all the conversations as people leave the theater, including what people thought of the movie.

So next time you’re at the theater remember these rules so that other people can have a good time at the movies other than just you.