The Adventures of Lord Bumbly and Mr. Toadsworth

The house sat on a green hill in the countryside over looking the road, behind the house was a small wood. The house was where he lived. His name was Lord Bumbly; he was odd man with an odd name. His oldest and dearest friend was his butler, Mr. Toadsworth. Mr. Toadsworth knew Lord Bumbly better than anyone. If a person was confused by Lord Bumbly’s antics they would only have to ask Mr. Toadsworth who would more than likely say, “Lord Bumbly does what he likes and likes what he does and not even the Queen can change that.” Then the person would walk away —still confused— and ask no more questions.
This particular morning Lord Bumbly was sitting at the head of table eating his breakfast of bacon, eggs, toast, and tea (“There is nothing better than waking up to the taste of Twinings,” as Lord Bumbly would say).
“Good morning sir,” said Toadsworth as he entered the dinning area.
“Good morning Toadsworth,” said Lord Bumbly.
“Do want me to fetch the newspaper for you sir?” asked Toadsworth.
“No thank you,” answered Lord Bumbly. “There’s too much bad news and all the good news is that the bad news of yesterday has stopped.”
“Do you want to stop receiving the paper then sir?”
“No,” answered Bumbly. “You can still use it for fire, sailboats, hats and any number of other useful things.”
“Of course sir,” Toadsworth nodded.
“Please Toadsworth, join me for breakfast,” he said and gestured toward an empty chair.
“Don’t mind if I do sir.”
While Mr. Toadsworth and Lord Bumbly ate, the room was silent save for the munching of toast and eggs and the sipping of “the finest tea of all England” as Lord Bumbly would say.
“Now Lord Bumbly,” Toadsworth asked as he leaned back in chair finished and full, “What shall we do today?”
“That is what I am a most difficult time deciding, Toadsworth,” said Lord Bumbly. “I had thought it would be a lovely day to go exploring in the woods.”
“Quite right sir.”
“But we did that last Tuesday and you know how much I dislike doing the same thing two weeks in a row.”
“Naturally sir.”
“So I’m really at a lost as to what to do.”
“May I offer a suggestion sir?” said Toadsworth.
“Of course!” said Lord Bumbly excited (“When I fail to have good ideas, Toadsworth always thinks of a good one,” Lord Bumbly said to a fellow Lord at one of the Queen’s fancy parties).
“We’re almost out of groceries—and all out of Twinings— so we could go into town and buy some more,” said Toadsworth.
“What a brilliant idea Toadsworth,” said Bumbly ecstatic with the idea.
“Why thank you sir,” said Toadsworth. “Shall I get the car ready?”
“Of course,” said Lord Bumbly and he got up from the table, “and I shall get myself ready.”

The automobile was very old, at least it would be today, but back then it was very new indeed. Toadsworth drove and Bumbly sat next to him. On one occasion, Lord Bumbly drove and Toadsworth sat next to him, but that trip ended badly— to which even Bumbly would agree, for it cost him a new fence, car, and having to rebuild a relationship with one of the nearby farmers, fortunately the cow lived. So now they rode with Toadsworth driving and no complaints, particularly from the farmer.
The road was dirty and the sky was foggy and everything was normal as they drove to town. Toadsworth drove a little faster when he past the farmer’s house and glanced at Lord Bumbly.
“It was not my fault,” argued Lord Bumbly.
Another glance from Mr. Toadsworth.
“Alright so it was my fault,” Bumbly grumped, “but that fence and cow appeared out of no where.”
Another glance from Mr. Toadsworth.
“Blast it Toadsworth if you don’t stop giving me dirty looks we’re going to crash into that fence again,” exploded Bumbly. Toadsworth only smiled and kept his eyes on the road. They drove on the dirty road, until it turned into a paved road, until it turned into a draw bridge, until it continued as a smooth road into town.

They arrived into town and parked the car by the bank across the street from the grocery store. Lord Bumbly and Mr. Toadsworth got out of the car. Lord Bumbly took one step on to the road, until Mr. Toadsworth pulled him back and a car sped by.
“Thank you Toadsworth.”
“Your Welcome sir.”
“I didn’t see that car.”
“No you didn’t sir.”
Lord Bumbly again proceeded to cross the street, until Mr. Toadsworth pulled him back and another car sped by.
“Thank you again Toadsworth.”
“Your Welcome sir.”
“I suppose I didn’t see that one either.”
“No you didn’t sir.”
“Well third times a charm as they say,” said Lord Bumbly as once again he tried to cross the street and once again Mr. Toadsworth pulled him back and once again a car sped by.
“Goodness Toadsworth, Thank you.”
“Your welcome sir.”
“Where would I be without you Toadsworth?”
“Either in the hospital or the morgue sir.”
“Quite right, Toadsworth,” Lord Bumbly said and started to take a step forward, when he stopped, “perhaps you should lead the way Toadsworth.” So Toadsworth did and they both managed to cross the street safely.
“Well today’s already been full of adventures,” said Lord Bumbly as they walked inside the store, “I can’t wait to see what else might happen.”
“I could sir,” said Toadsworth. With out further adieu Lord Bumbly and Mr. Toadsworth began to shop for their food. They bought bacon, eggs, chicken, roast, fish, bread, all kinds of cheeses, tea biscuits, breakfast biscuits, short bread, chocolates, apples, carrots, potatoes, broccoli, lettuce, cabbage, tomatoes and everything was going fine until they went to buy tea.
“They don’t have it!” panicked Lord Bumbly.
“Have what sir?” wondered Mr. Toadsworth.
“Twinings!” yelled Lord Bumbly— remember this was the finest tea of all England and Lord Bumbly would drink nothing but the finest.
“Perhaps we should ask someone if they have it,” advised Toadsworth.
“Of course!” exclaimed Lord Bumbly, “They have it a back room somewhere and just forgot to stock the shelves.”
Lord Bumbly went to the clerk at the front desk. “Hello g’day sir. What can I do for you?”
“I was wondering if you had any Twinings tea,” asked Lord Bumbly.
“’fraid not sir. We’re all out,” answered the clerk.
“Out of Twinings?” Lord Bumbly said shocked.
“Yes sir, is there any other tea you would like today?”
“No!” shouted Lord Bumbly, “Never! I drink Twinings and only Twinings until the day I die.”
“That’s fine sir,” said the clerk, then he stared into Lord Bumbly’s eyes, “but we don’t have it!”
“This is an outrage!” shouted Lord Bumbly and everyone in the store gawked at him, a grown man having a fit like a child, “I shall have to talk to the Queen about this.” Then he looked angrily in the clerk’s eyes, “and let me tell you,” he said in a dark tone, “she will be most perturbed about this.”
“Come Toadsworth,” commanded Lord Bumbly.
“Where to sir?”
“I am not buying any groceries until I have my tea,” said Lord Bumbly stubbornly.
“What do we do with the rest of our groceries?” asked Mr. Toadsworth.
“You may leave them here,” said the clerk, “and buy them when you come back.”
Thank you young sir,” said Lord Bumbly pleasantly as if he hadn’t been angry at him five minutes before, “you are most kind.”
“Just doing my job sir,” said the clerk. Lord Bumbly and Mr. Toadsworth left their loads of food behind while they went on their quest for tea, Twinings tea, the finest tea in all England.
One might think that finding the finest tea in all England would be an easy task, but it really isn’t. The reason for this is simple, if one drinks the finest tea in England, and it truly is the finest, then other persons will realize this and desire that tea as well. Before one realizes it, all of England is drinking the finest tea of all England, which naturally means millions of people will buying it leaving the others like Bumbly without it. However, Lord Bumbly was not like most people, he was going to find Twinings, and not even the Queen was going to stop him.
So they searched, Lord Bumbly and Mr. Toadsworth on the quest for perfection, which in most cases, is a useless cause. They looked in all the shops they saw. At first it was groceries stores, then it was tea stores, then bars, then before they knew it was furniture stores, fish markets, butcher shops, clothing stores, and barber shops, (“You never know,” said Lord Bumbly). They found nothing, until finally, on the last store, on the last corner, on the last street, they walked inside and sitting there just waiting to be picked up, were boxes of Twinings. Lord Bumbly quickly grabbed five boxes and purchased all five, and shook the hand of every employee in the shop and thanked them profusely.
However, the sky was growing darker, it was getting late. Lord Bumbly and Mr. Toadsworth hastily walked to their car just as they arrived, the bank employees were leaving, so they placed the boxes of tea in the trunk. They ran across the street, just as the clerk was closing the store, bought the rest of their groceries and walked back to their car.
“Are you sure this is the right car?” asked Lord Bumbly, “I thought we parked somewhere else.”
“Yes I’m quite sure, sir,” answered Mr. Toadsworth, “besides there no other car here.” Without further questions they put the groceries in the back seat, and made their way back home.
As was mentioned before, it was late, Lord Bumbly and Mr. Toadsworth spent a great deal of time searching for tea, unfortunately they had spent too much time. On the way home they arrived at the draw-bridge and Mr. Toadsworth stopped, they had come too late and the bridge was up.
“We’ll have to find a hotel in town and drive home tomorrow sir,” said Mr. Toadsworth.
“That won’t be necessary,” responded Lord Bumbly.
“If you haven’t noticed sir,” replied Mr. Toadsworth, “the bridge is up, we can’t cross and there is no other road home.”
“Preposterous,” Lord Bumbly said, “the bridge isn’t completely all the way up, it’s only at a forty-five degree angle. We’ll simply back the car up, gain enough speed to jump over the gap on to the other side.”
“I don’t believe that will work sir.”
“Oh come now Toadsworth,” said Lord Bumbly. “It’s basic science. Simple laws of motion really.”
“I understand that sir, but what if we don’t make it?” Toadsworth said explaining his fears. “What we don’t make it, fall into the river and drown? I much prefer to be left alive.”
“Oh Toadsworth,” said Lord Bumbly unconcerned, “If I was afraid of dying every time I tried to do something, where would I be?”
“Still alive I believe sir.”
“That’s the spirit!” shouted Lord Bumbly failing to understand what Toadsworth had just said. “Just back the car up a ways then let her go!”
“Very well sir,” said Toadsworth sighing, “but you’ll be paying for my medical bills if something happens.”
“Don’t I always.”
“Of course you do sir,” said Mr. Toadsworth as he backed up the car. Then after he backed it up, he slammed his foot on the gas and the car speed up. The vehicle went faster and faster then it went up the bridge. Lord Bumbly was yelling with delight, and Mr. Toadsworth’s eyes were wide with fright as the automobile went up into the air, and landed safely on the other side of the bridge.
“Good show Toadsworth!” said Lord Bumbly with a smile. “See that wasn’t so bad.”
“All the same sir,” answered Mr. Toadsworth clutching the steering wheel tightly, “I’d prefer we don’t do that again.” Toadsworth drove down the other side of the bridge, then to the rode. He drove back with no other obstacles; however, he did once again drive faster past the farmer’s house. Finally, they arrived to the house.
Mr. Toadsworth brought in the groceries and Lord Bumbly opened the trunk to take out his tea.
“Oh dear,” he said when he opened the trunk.
“What is it sir?” asked Toadsworth, then he stopped when he saw the contents of the trunk.
“This is dreadful,” said Lord Bumbly sighing. “To think we spent all that time searching for it and we’re still left without it.”
“Yes sir,” commented Mr. Toadsworth, “what are we going to do?”
“Well it most certainly is a grand problem,” said Lord Bumbly thinking.
“That it is sir.”
“Too big to solve tonight,” concluded Lord Bumbly, “we shall have to fix it tomorrow.”
“Of course sir.”
“Oh,” added Lord Bumbly, “tell no one else of terrible mistake.”
“Of course sir.” With that Lord Bumbly and Mr. Toadsworth closed the trunk. The trunk that was supposed to contain boxes of Twinings tea, but instead contained bags and bags of money, money that neither Toadsworth nor Bumbly had put there. Since money does not simply place itself in random trunks of random cars, Lord Bumbly and Mr. Toadsworth asked themselves “Who? Who put the money there and why?” all night long, the answer did not come until morning.
As usual the morning paper came and Lord Bumbly received it with his breakfast, and to his great disappointment breakfast with no tea. Lord Bumbly took the paper, read the main headline on the front page and nearly chocked on his water. “Toadsworth! Toadsworth! Come down here quick,” yelled Lord Bumbly still staring at the paper.
“What is it sir?” said Mr. Toadsworth, “oh I’m sorry sir. I forgot you didn’t want to read the paper.”
“Blast it Toadsworth, that’s not why I called you down,” said Lord Bumbly. “Look at the front page.”
“Richpocket Bank robbed,” Toadsworth said reading the headline out-loud, “I’m afraid I don’t understand sir.”
“Not understand Toadsworth?” asked Lord Bumbly confused. “How could you not? Read the rest of the article.”
Toadsworth read that at closing hours everything was normal at the bank, authorities and bankers didn’t notice the stolen money until they recounted the money after everyone had left.
“I still don’t understand sir,” said Toadsworth.
“I’ll explain it to you. Everything was normal until after everyone had left which, obviously, means that it was an inside job done by the employee or employees. They stole the money during their work hours and left with it at closing time. This, of course, explains and solves all our problems.”
“I’m still not sure what you’re getting at sir.”
“I shall further explain it then. Really Toadsworth, I’m shocked at you, a brilliant man such as yourself, I thought would have understood by now.”
“I guess I’m not as brilliant as you sir.”
“Of course you aren’t, but in time you will be, iron sharpens iron as they say, anyway back to the point,” said Lord Bumbly getting ahead of himself, —or behind depending on how you look at it— “The point is we were at the bank at closing time, we put the tea in trunk, then left to buy our groceries. When we left there were still other employees leaving, many with their own cars. We placed our tea in the trunk of our car, and the robbers placed their money in their car, possibly even before we arrived. They must have mistakenly driven off in our car with our tea, and we—“
“Drove off in their car with the stolen money!” finished Toadsworth. “I understand now sir.”
“Good show Toadsworth, I knew you’d get it,” said Lord Bumbly very pleased with himself and Toadsworth. “Just think not only has that cad —or cads— stolen money from a bank of England, but also they —or it— have stolen my car, worst of all my tea! Oh, I will most certainly have to talk to the Queen about this one.”
“But sir,” said Toadsworth, “if we tell the proper authorities, they might think we were the culprits.”
“By Jove you’re right!” exclaimed Bumbly, then he began pacing to think of a solution, “We must catch them in the act, but how?” He paced back and forth again. Then he looked up, “Toadsworth?” he asked, “What do you when you lose something?”
“Look for it, of course, sir.”
“Yes, yes, but how?”
“Umm….”
“You retrace your steps,” said Bumbly, then he paused. “Toadsworth, get the car.”
“What ever for sir?”
“We are going to catch a thief, or thieves, depending on how many of the dastardly creatures there are,” shouted Lord Bumbly running to his room to get his coat and change his clothes to leave. “But no matter how many there are, they shall be no match for Lord Bumbly and Mr. Toadsworth!” Bumbly met Toadsworth at the car, as he sat down inside he turned to Mr. Toadsworth and said, “Toadsworth ol’ chum, I believe we’ve just begun a most exciting adventure.” Just as Bumbly’s previous speculations had been right, this one was correct as well.

Toadsworth drove fast on the dirty road, and not just past the farmer’s house, but the whole way to the town. Once again he parked in front of the bank.
“Now,” said Bumbly sitting outside at a café a couples stores down from the grocery store and across from the bank, “they probably won’t see our car, until quitting time, when they do they’ll —hopefully— think their money is inside and follow us home. Make sure you drive slowly so they’ll be sure to follow us. As soon as we arrive back home, we’ll both go inside, you will call the police, and I’ll go back to collect the despicable villains. Does that sound like a plan, Toadsworth?”
“Yes it does sir,” said Toadsworth smiling at Bumbly, “it sounds like a brilliant plan.” Lord Bumbly may be an odd man with an odd name, but he was an intelligent odd man with an odd name.
Lord Bumbly and Mr. Toadsworth sat at the café all day. Now it might seem incredibly boring to sit at a café all day, but Lord Bumbly was very good at finding ways to entertain himself and Mr. Toadsworth. They would sit in different spots, look at cars, look at the clouds, or see how far they could throw their coins across the street; before they knew it workers were coming out of Richpocket Bank. Lord Bumbly noticed two suspicious men looking at his car, “I believe,” he told Mr. Toadsworth, “that we have just hooked our fish. Now let’s reel them in.”
Lord Bumbly and Mr. Toadsworth walked across the road nonchalantly and to their car. The two men saw them and quickly went to their own car. Toadsworth started the car and drove slowly away and the two men followed in pursuit— a very slow pursuit at that— in a car that looked identical to Lord Bumbly’s. Bumbly turned to Mr. Toadsworth, “I think that after this whole mess is straightened out, I’ll paint the car to avoid further confusion.”
“That would be a good idea sir.”
The two cars drove along, the robbers tried to drive inconspicuously, but sometimes the more one tries to do something inconspicuously the more conspicuous they actually look, such was the case with these robbers. However, Bumbly and Toadsworth already knew what the two behind them were doing so they didn’t have to worry about what the inconspicuous, but actually conspicuous men were doing.
After the long drive Lord Bumbly and Mr. Toadsworth arrived home, just like planned they walked inside inconspicuously— Bumbly and Toadsworth were able to really look inconspicuous— Toadsworth went to phone the police and Bumbly snuck back outside. While sneaking up on them he heard them speaking.
“Are you sure this guy has our money?” asked one
“’Course I’m sure,” replied the other. “I tol’ you he has the same car, we must’ve switched ‘em by accident.” He saw the two thieves walk quietly toward the trunk of his car. One of the robbers opened it, “Aha! See? It’s all here,” said one of them and he began to pick up the money.
The other man said, “Alright, now we’ve got it!”
“And now I’ve got you!” shouted Lord Bumbly from behind them. “You thought you would get away with it, but you failed to realized that I, Lord Bumbly and my butler, Mr. Toadsworth were on you’re trail!” Then a strange thing happened, for up until this point, everything had gone according to plan. However, anyone that has ever made a plan knows that often times, unexpected things happen that make the plan not work, so a new one must be created. Bumbly thought that his plan would continue to work so greatly and that the robbers would just give themselves up, but the robbers didn’t know of Bumbly’s plan, they made their own plan that didn’t comply with Lord Bumbly’s. Lord Bumbly realized this as one of the robbers drew a gun aimed at his chest, and Lord Bumbly was forced to forgo his plan, and think of better one.
“Oh dear,” mumbled Lord Bumbly.
“Oh dear is right Bumble,” sneered one of the robbers.
“It’s Bumbly, actually,” corrected Bumbly. “Us Bumbly’s have been Lords of this home for centuries. It’s a very nice manor—“ Bumbly was stopped short by one of the robbers, “I don’t want to hear it. We’re just going to take our money and leave and if you cause any trouble we’ll add murder to our list of crimes.” However, they didn’t have the opportunity to add anything to their list of crimes, for while their backs were turned on the trunk Mr. Toadsworth appeared, they didn’t notice until it was too late.
“You won’t get the chance to hurt Lord Bumbly you filthy cads!” Mr. Toadsworth shouted as he swung a frying pan into their heads and rendered them unconscious.
“Toadsworth,” Bumbly said shocked, “I never though of you as a violent person.”
“I wasn’t going to let them hurt you sir.”
“Oh I would’ve been fine,” said Lord Bumbly, then he asked, “Where on earth did you find that pan?”
“In the kitchen sir,” answered Toadsworth. “I was going to use the cast-iron pan, but I thought that would be too damaging.”
“Yes, very good choice,” commended Lord Bumbly. “Not too light or too heavy, knocked them out just long enough.”
“Quite right sir,” said Toadsworth, “and I think they’re about to wake up.”
“Yes, that was very good timing,” commended Bumbly again, “Good show Toadsworth!” The two thieves groggily woke up, and Bumbly took their gun. Bumbly also made sure that his tea was in the trunk of the other car, and it was. The police soon arrive and Bumbly and Toadsworth handed over the criminals. However, before they did so, one of the robbers pushed over Bumbly, who knocked over Toadsworth, who in turn toppled over the police officers, and the robber escaped. The robber ran to a nearby hill and soon disappeared behind it. Bumbly quickly got up, stood there and watched the robber run.
“Wot’s the matter with you? You let ‘im go!” yelled one of the officers.
“No, he won’t get far,” said Lord Bumbly calmly.
“Wot are you talkin’ about?” asked the officer.
“Come with me,” said Bumbly as he walked towards the hill that the robber ran to. The other officers stayed behind with the other robber and Toadsworth. As Bumbly and the officer reached the crest of the hill the officer realized that indeed, the robber had not gotten far.
The hill looked like many other hills, but there was one big difference. Most hills have two equally—or mostly equal— steep sides, this one has a slope on one side, and a drop off on the other. It wasn’t a high drop, but the problem was that underneath the drop was a wall of blackberry bushes. The thief was stuck, trapped in the thorny bushes.
“I do love blackberries, don’t you officer?” said Bumbly.
“Normally I’m not too fond of them,” answered the man. “But today, today I love them too.”
The thieves were taken again, this time neither attempted escaped and they were soon tried and convicted of all their devious crimes.

The next morning the story was in the paper. “’Recently robbers Roland Rothfield and Ronald Rashburry ransacked the Richpocket Bank.’ Good grief is this an article or an alliteration piece?” said Lord Bumbly as he read the article out-loud. The rest of the article was about how the thieves were apprehended and captured, and captured again after an attempted escape.
“You did a jolly good job, Toadsworth,” complimented Bumbly. “Thank you for saving my life.”
“Don’t mention it sir,” Toadsworth said modestly. “You were the one that thought of the plan.”
“We both did a splendid job,” said Bumbly. “All the same I think next time we go on an adventure we should prepare ourselves a little better.”
“I’m not sure that will work sir.”
“Why not?”
“Well sir,” Toadsworth began to explain, “adventures always happen when the person is most unprepared and unexpecting.”
“That’s quite right,” said Bumbly. “I suppose we’ll just have to deal with it being that way. I do rather like adventures, don’t you Toadsworth?”
“They’re growing on me sir.” So the two friends spent the rest of the morning sitting in the shade sipping Twinings tea, waiting for another adventure to appear