The Pirates Who Don't Know Anything

These past couple week I've been helping out in a VBS called Pirates in the Park. Obviously it's all about Pirates. However, I was deeply saddened to observe that people just don't know that much about Pirates. They don't talk much about Pirates. They don't act much like Pirates. People have the attire down right—at least we're doing something right—all it takes it a bandanna, dangly ear-rings, and baggy clothes. So I'm going to give you all a few pointers on Pirattitude, yes it's a real word, which means how to act and talk like pirates. You can apply these lesson on Talk like a Pirate Day, September 22.

ARRRRR!!!!: First thing is first, the most exaggerated pirate term of all "Arrr!!!" It sounds simple, but there's a lot more to it than just two letters, oh, that's the first thing we need to talk about. Arrr only has two letters. It's "ARRRR!!!!" not "ARRGGGHHH" that is a viking and as far as I know there is no "Talk like Viking Day" Another problem with Arrr is how you say it. It's not "Ar" like your saying the letter "R" it ARRRRRRR!!!!!" It's deep, loud and throaty. Not quiet coughing up a hairball throaty, more like clear your throat throaty. So that's a brief talk on "ARRR" and remember if you can't say it right don't say it at all because more than likely there is a pirate who will hear you and cut your throat if you don't say it right.

Pirate Vocabulary: After you get Arr down you need to expand your Pirate vocabulary. Pirate talk is more than just saying "Arrr!!! Me hearty!!! Let's go Find some treasure Matety!!! Swab the Poop Deck!!!" Before we get started on more words one always must remember that "Me" replaces "my" not "I". Okay so more words. Well, some goods pirate terms are:

Port

Starboard

Quarterdeck

Gallery

Main-mast

Bowsprit

Stern

Aft

Knot

And since I'm not a Dictionary I'll let you figure out what those mean. So know you have some lingo, but there's more. Pirates insult each other, I guess it's how they show love... maybe. So here are some Pirate insults:

Lily-livered

Landlubber

Filthy

Dirty

Dog

Savage

Scurvy

Mangy

Cad

Name: Now every Pirate has to have a name. Why? You might ask, well I'll tell you. Say your name is Bob/Mary Smith and if your a Captain it's Captain Bob/Mary Smith. You meet a small, defenseless ship you call out, "Surrender to Captain Bob/Mary Smith." They will most likely pelt you with Cannon fire and sink your ship before you can say, "Davy Jones Locker."

The reason is simple—just ask Westley from The Princess Bride— Captain Bob/Mary Smith isn't at all intimidating. It doesn't strike fear in people's hearts. However, Captain Blackbeard does or Captain Bloody-Bones. Another option —if you don't wish for people to pee their pants at the sound of your name— is to find a cool sounding name. Captain Bob/Mary Smith doesn't sound cool, (no offense if your name is Bob/Mary Smith) but Captain Jack Sparrow does. And if your a real good Pirate you'll find a name that's both cool and frightening like Long John Silver.

One more thing, not everyone can be Captain. It just doesn't work, so also find a name that doesn't have to have "Captain" in front of it. Of course a few people can be Captains, after all we do need Captain, but the jobs not right for everyone.

Acting like a Pirate: When your a Pirate you have to act and walk like a Pirate, you're not an average Joe walking down the street, you're a Pirate! The terror of the high seven seas! You have to walk big and important because you are. Walk with a swagger in your steps, after all you have been at sea for five months. Walk with an air of importance, like you own everything and you'll kill anyone who gets in your way, because if your a real pirate you probably will. If you want something, take it, and if they complain, threaten them. Have no manners at the table, reach, grab, burp and hit people in your way. Be selfish. Above all else don't take bath or brush your teeth, like I said, Pirate life is not for everyone.

Pirate Stance: Clench your fists, like your going to punch your first mate for taking your rum, and place them on your hips. Lift your head, squint your eyes a little like your looking into the wind and the sea salt is spraying in your eyes, but as you are ever so slightly squinting look like your looking far out beyond the horizon. Keep your face blank, expressing only a feeling of importance and command. Spread your feet shoulder width apart. There that is the Pirate Stance! (it also helps to have something billowing in the wind, a scarf or sash, preferably red)

I really hope you take these tips to heart, if you don't another pirate might take his knife to your heart for being a disgrace to Piracy.

REMEMBER TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY, SEPTEMBER 22!